The other night at small group we went around the room and shared things that were on our heart. As I was sitting listening to the other girls, I wasn't sure what I would share, and figured it would be something surface level, nothing of significance, just something to say. I surprised myself by the emotional response I had when it was my turn to start sharing. My heart started to pound and I felt very sad. Though I wasn't planning on it I started talking about my friend.
She was always a listener, but lately ( the past year or so) she hasn't been listening. Instead, I can't seem to say anything right. I also can't seem to DO anything right, and she never just trusts that I am making good decisions for my life. I can see it in her eyes and I hear it in her questions. No matter how many times I tell her that things are good, she will never believe me. No matter how many times I struggle to explain myself, she will always make me feel like nothing I say will make her understand me. I realized when I started speaking at small group, how much her opinion of me mattered, and how little I could really do (short of changing a lot of what I believe) to make her respect me again. To her, I am a wayward child. I am lost. I need to find the light. I am misguided, misinformed, and confused.
Perhaps she is right. I may be misguided, I may be misinformed. I am certainly lost and confused on occasion with intermittent moments of clarity. Yet, I don't feel like a wayward child. I don't think that I will ever wake up and "see the light' the way that she wants me to. I ask a lot of questions, and they can't be answered the way she attempts to. Her questioning of my beliefs has made me more solid in the idea that I can not and will not willingly dwell in ignorance.
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